I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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