She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
NoShamevember. You game?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
