I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
