i'm lost and i look like a hooker
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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