My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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