My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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