In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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