hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
