I like to think it a success when the cops are called
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Floor bacon is actually really good
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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