Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
