I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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