you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
