**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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