Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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