I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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