Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
