My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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