I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
