Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
