one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
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