I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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