theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
