Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
