Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
