So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
