How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
