In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
