So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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