He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
