i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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