dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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