We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
