mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
the raccoons are back...
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