I didn't shave. On purpose
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
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