My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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