No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
