i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
