I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
