i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Houston, we have a blender
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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