There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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