in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
third nipple confirmed
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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