i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
