I hate all girls vehemently.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
