I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want a musical about memes.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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