Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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