BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
