I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
