God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
