morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
