FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
