we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
