Tell her she can't have a vagina
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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