he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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