I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
