Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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