I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
