dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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