Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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