There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
